Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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