You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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