My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
