I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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