I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Randomize
