Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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