I'll bet she douches with gravy.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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