Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
