i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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