would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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