I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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