i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize