I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
