UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
