U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
