I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
