hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
