I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
