At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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