i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
