And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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