Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
