why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
