Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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