So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
