I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
