I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize