Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
two words: eviction party
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
