you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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