Screwed.edu
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
