why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
