You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
