we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
