The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
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