You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The uberlube is also flammable
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
