I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
