i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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