i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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