We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I have tasted many bathrooms
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