I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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