She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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