Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
did i walk over a car last night?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
