i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
