What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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