If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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