It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
