If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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