im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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