You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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