Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
