Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Pooping to opera.
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