WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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