my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
