we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
