Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
After tacos, we're chasing women.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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