hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
