dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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